Let’s Talk about Sex [Toys], Baby! God, Pleasure, and Taboo
I have recently observed that the topic of sex toys has become more apparent in adult conversation and, in my experience, particularly among women. The ever-growing “sex-obsessed” society, liberalisation, lockdown lifestyle, and ubiquitous influence of pop-culture and social media have all allowed the sex toy market to flourish, with modelling showing a continuance in growth in the years to come. Personally speaking, I believe sex toys have made a positive contribution towards the conversation about and advocacy for female sexual pleasure, which is still heavily disregarded in many patriarchal cultures. However, I do find concerning the rate at which the sex toy market and its accessibility is expanding, without the parallel growth of conversations about sexual ethics. What effects does the use of sex toys have on wellbeing and relationships and how should the church respond? Whittling down the web of thoughts I turn to my faith, asking how a reading of scripture might inform an approach to the use of sex toys?
Two separate issues are at play in this conversation, the first being the promotion of sexual pleasure with sex toys inside marriage, and the second the solo use of sex toys in masturbation. These situations must be treated distinctly and my interest here is to focus on masturbation. There is a lack of direct reference in Scripture to this topic but numerous attempts have been made in scholarship to develop an ethic of masturbation based on careful Scriptural interpretation.
A key boundary affecting the permissibility of masturbation is whether the act can be carried out independent of lustful fantasy. Jesus uses strong language to indicate his severe disapproval in engaging with lustful behaviours (Matt 5:27-30). If it could be established that masturbation could be accomplished free from fantasy or with the desire for a deeper relationship that prioritised connection over sensual cravings, then the conversation can be further indulged. For a believer, it is important to consider whether masturbation can be carried out in a manner that grants a lifestyle centred on God, and allows for the flourishing of healthy relationships with others. In their article about theological perspectives on masturbation, Alex Kwee and David Hoover articulate that masturbation in and of itself is not definitively lustful, and that there is a moral difference between masturbating to unscrupulous mediums with egoistic intent and masturbating as a sexual yearning that strives for full connectedness. Similarly, James Johnson suggests that there is biblical evidence to tolerate a regulated practice of masturbation if it is aligned with the will of God (Lev 15:16-18).
Perhaps the use of sex toys is also tolerable in the same manner? What is good to be mindful of, is that the intentions around the use of sex toys within this context can easily switch back and forth between being lustful and not. Therefore, a simplistic, black and white answer is not always forthcoming.
It is not only religion, but psychology that deems masturbation unhealthy under particular circumstances. These include continual use alongside autoeroticism for mood modulation and self-soothing, masturbation that misconstrues humans and intimacy to objects and raw sexuality, and use to the point of enslavement or addiction. Ellen Wondra insights that sexual desires and behaviours will “enhance the qualities that characterize moral relationships” at their finest, whilst be diminishing and destructive to such qualities at their most unfavourable.
Christian conversations around sexuality tend to focus on the aspects that don't align with the will of God. However, when one masturbates out of a want to express loving desire and for deeper connection, this can enhance an individual's aspirations to be a more present, generous, and forgiving partner within a committed relationship. Furthermore, it can help an individual identify what touch is pleasurable for them, to then communicate back to their partner.
Translating this information towards sex toys, in essence there is a switch from using a hand or hands, to a device specifically engineered to deliver joyous and pleasurable orgasms. Within the context of a committed relationship, the introduction of sex toys can provide not only excitement, but a renewed desire for sexual exploration, as lovers communicate and navigate how the sex toy or toys create pleasure during sex. The use of sex toys can stimulate a healthy dialogue between partners, as a trial and error process leads to a discovery and revitalisation of pleasure during sex. This type of discussion can reinforce the idea that sex does not have to be confined to a repetitive physical routine, but it is an ongoing conversation about lovingly giving and receiving of sexual pleasure. However, if the use of sex toys replaces connection and communication, their use will not offer these benefits between couples.
In this new age of church, where many no longer sit on the extremes of conservatism or radicalism but somewhere in the middle, I imagine churches will also have trouble clearly defining theological standpoints around masturbation and the use of sex toys. Whether you have been involved in a church community or not, it is widely felt that the church presents strong, convicting, conservative perspectives around sexual desires and how an individual should physically act upon them. This unspoken narrative, can lead to believers feeling a strong sense of guilt and shame which they attempt to ignore and suppress when masturbating or using sex toys. The continual supression of such powerful emotions makes it more vulnerable and challenging to have open conversation around sex. More importantly, growth of this internalising shame negatively impacts relationships, both with God and others.
In many church contexts, not only can talking about sex feel taboo, but anything outside of the heteronormative can feel shameful to even ponder. Believers will sit on a spectrum of comfort when it comes to discussing sex related topics. Scripture instructs faith communities to be spaces where relationships of vulnerability, encouragement and patience preside (1 Thess 5:14, Gal 6:2). Regardless of where you personally lie, I hope this article would suggest that we do not need to fear conversations about masturbation and sex toys, and that safe spaces can be created to have honest discussions.
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The author is from a conservative Pasifika background, and has for this reason chosen to keep their identity private.