Unequally Yoked? My Experience Dating a Non-Christian
Like many who grew up in the church, I was taught as a teenager that dating outside of my faith could only be damaging to me. At one point, I even signed a leadership agreement in my youth group that stated that I would not have a romantic relationship with anyone who was not a Christian. The images conjured in these discussions were certainly strong warnings: the Christian a step above being dragged down by their partner, and the unimpeachable relevance of the “unequally yoked” verse (2 Corinthians 6:14). However, 8 months into a relationship with someone who doesn’t share my faith I am more and more convinced that this narrative needs to be thought about differently both for the fear that it instills in young Christians, as well as the incredibly unfair image that it conjures of those outside of our faith.
Interpretations of 2 Corinthians 6:14 have a lot to answer for in this discussion. Although many who interpret the verse removed from its context perceive the message of the verse to be clear, a closer reading reveals a much more complicated picture. Reading the verse in the wider context of Paul’s work, this brief passage becomes fairly confusing. Nowhere else does Paul seem to draw such stark lines between believers and unbelievers—elsewhere, he even goes so far as to say that it is fine to eat food sacrificed to idols, at least implying some form of relationship with the idol worshippers. In the context of 2 Corinthians, Paul’s focus is in exhorting the Corinthian church to return to their relationship with him and the passage needs to be read with this in mind. There’s a lot of rich work done on this passage which is outside of my expertise to unpack but I recommend popping into a theological library, finding a commentary and diving into it. However, even at face value there is nothing in the verse to suggest that Paul is referring to romantic relationships. To stick closely to the letter of this passage would likely cause us to reflect the isolationist tendencies of some Christian communities.
Instead of giving a full and detailed exegesis of this passage, I want to offer some suggestions about the harm that the teaching I had about relationships growing up can cause, and where I think the focus would be better directed.
Firstly, there is something deeply troubling about the representation of “unbelievers” by Christians who hold a prohibitive stance about interfaith relationships.The writer continues in 2 Corinthians 6 to question “For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship is there between light and darkness? What agreement does Christ have with Beliar?” There is much debate about the translation of some of these terms, but in most settings the verse is given a simplistic interpretation: What relationship can there be between the saved and the damned? What results from connecting this verse to romantic relationships is the painting of a large group of people with a generalised and harmful brush, not to mention the overly virtuous representation of all Christians as being blameless or “safe” partners.
Just because someone does not share a Christian faith does not make them a parallel to the pagan idol worshippers of Paul’s Roman context. The majority of non-Christians in Aotearoa are agnostic—fairly neither here nor there on matters of faith. In general, they can share pretty similar moral ground with Christians.
Growing up, I did not get this sense. Rather, I was taught that anyone outside my faith was morally beneath me and would, therefore, drag me down to their level. To date outside my faith would have been considered a dangerous exercise in being “led astray.” This does a disservice to both parties; first, to the non-Christian partner who may not share faith convictions but is not necessarily an “immoral” person. Secondly, and most concerningly, this belief undervalues and lowers the expectations placed on the strength of the person with a Christian faith. Through a strong support network of faith-based friendship and the church community as the body of Christ, a believer should be able to feel sufficiently confident in their own relationship with Christ to be assured of their ability to not be “led astray.”
Perhaps at the root of the concern about being “led astray” is a belief that a romantic partner should carry a significant weight in one’s spiritual life. I can remember being encouraged to pray with my romantic partner growing up far more than I was encouraged to pray with my friends or family. I believe there is a need to challenge some norms which hold romantic relationships up as the central pillar of a person’s life. It is a recipe for hurt and disappointment to expect that any romantic partner fulfills every need in your life. Even if that partner shares your faith, it is absolutely unfair, and unhealthy, to expect them to be required to be your spiritual—or emotional—support.
Additionally, the overemphasis on faith compatibility has been stressed to the exclusion of more pertinent bases for romantic relationships. Any romantic relationship that is embarked on should be grounded by a sense of compatibility between the partners. The general sharing of faith does not mean the sharing of convictions, passions, or future life goals. Many of these issues of compatibility transcend faith, and I am concerned about the number of young Christians who feel the need to settle for a lesser partnership simply so they can attend church together. Despite the fact that my partner is not a Christian, they are the person I have dated who I am most compatible with and are the most supportive of my goals and passions.
In saying that, it should of course be obvious that not all of those who do not share your faith will be understanding of or supportive of it. Those whose beliefs are diametrically opposed to your own are unlikely to encourage you to pursue your own convictions. However, this is not the case for all non-Christians. About 3 months into my relationship, my partner told me that they’d join me for church sometimes. I had no expectation around this—I’m perfectly capable of attending church alone. This was not a pursuit of faith, but a desire for me to know that I am encouraged in my beliefs and, even though they are not shared, they are supported.
Embarking on a relationship with someone who does not share your faith does add an extra layer of challenge. As with any relationship, there are cultural values and expectations from both sides that will clash, and potential compromises needed. However, in a healthy, loving relationship, these do not need to be compromises that harm the faith of the Christian partner. Most importantly, a blanket, exclusionary rule is unhelpful to Christians in a difficult dating environment and does harm both to the Christians trying to pursue relationships and to those outside the church who are being painted with an unfair brush. Instead, let’s change the priority and encourage people to wisely, and with grace, pursue relationships that will empower them and their faith, regardless of the faith of the partner.
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The author of this article has chosen to remain anonymous due to concerns about how others may view them due to the status of their relationship.